A time of nothingness

i don't know what time it is...not long until dawn, anyway. it's still dark outside, and i do have the choice to look at the clock, but i choose not to. why? i don't know!
i couldn't sleep, so i started to wonder, or maybe i was trying to find a revelation. find it or induce it...i don't even know. i can't say i was struck by something majestic, though. apparently I'm doing everything i can just to avoid going to sleep, I'm shuffling music in winamp, I'm trying to write something, even if i'm doing it just to make time fly by easier; focus my mind on something else than myself, because in search of this revelation i have fallen in what you would call an introspection... maybe i'm not so eager to see what i can find if i go down that road. i know V. is going to tell me that i am in love, and i think that is bullshit. i find myself at thins point quite unable to even want to be in love, judging by the fact that i kind of suck as a boyfriend...apparently, cheating on my girlfriends is much more exciting than falling in love with them...feelings? all they make me want to say is fuck'em! my last two girlfriends really had a thing for me...cheated on them both, at first, one with the other, and than with whom ever i desired...or better yet, with whom ever i had the opportunity to. truth be told...i liked it like this, but that is not who i am (or who i want to be). part of me loves it like that, while the other part just sits back and enjoys the show, while disapproving. it's mind over matter. now i'm trying to hook up with another girl, and i am pretty sure i have a big chance in succeeding. but i don't just want to be with her just to go through all that cheating story all over again. it's weird, because i like being alone just as much as i like having a girlfriend... so what the fuck am i supposed to do?
and the problem is, though sometimes i really need to talk to someone about this, i'm having a hard time finding someone to talk to ( i know some people who right now ask themselves "why not me?")well...i don't know why...maybe because i don't really enjoy talking about those things over the phone or through the messenger...face to face was always more fun, because it makes it harder for people to lie to you, or to fake their emotions...odd enough, though i have many friends, in times like this it's hard to find someone to whom i can really turn to. sometimes i wish i could go talk to my parents about this, because i will always find them rather easy, but i can't really say they have a very valid point of view (because they usually go like: "hey..you are a big boy now, and we are sure you can deal with it"). the most annoying part is that i hear many people telling me that i have a problem...well...fuck you! what do you think is wrong with me? the fact that i still refuse to conform? well i got news bitches! i'm not the only one! you are just like me, but in your own way! everyone of us loves to rebel to something. and to not admit that is to just live in denial. and that makes your lives no better than mine, because at least i admit it, i admit my own little rebellion, i admit the fact that i like, that i love to be different!


i see a little daylight...


i see no better way to end this shit...fuck...i don't even know what the fuck i have been writing about for the past hour or so...